[Listen]

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THE REPORTER:

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Hello Witherburn! Football has been the talk of the town this week since we are going to play South Magnolia, our rivals, tonight. And don't worry, I'll be giving updates for those that couldn't make the game, even though I don't get football. But I still have actual news to report this week. Such as the disappearance of Jonathan Landry, adding yet another to the list of the missing. And the fact that Alice Doyle was caught near the school late one night, and is being discussed as a possible perpetrator of the graffiti. All that, and more, coming up on Witherburn Afterschool News.

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[THEME MUSIC]

 

Starting off with a football update. Witherburn had the kickoff and made it to the 30 yard line on their first play. They proceeded to sneak by Magnolia's defenses and score a touchdown on their fourth down. They then made their goal kick from the 30 yard line, which is Good, I think. If I'm being blunt listeners, I have no idea any of the words I just said.

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I don't understand football, like, at all. I mean, give me soccer or basketball or any other sport, but football? Always seemed too brutish and complicated for me. So these updates are gonna be interesting. I'm sorry in advance. 

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Our first real story of the night happens to be about the ever quiet and mysterious Alice Doyle. She is currently being investigated for the strange graffiti that has been appearing all over town. The reason for this investigation? Is because Alice was found snooping around the school around 11pm after the graffiti was found two weeks ago. The police found no spray paint or similar object on their person, just a notebook and a flashlight and a marker. Which police claim could be used for vandalism. Even though the perp has only used spray paint in the past.

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Alice just claimed she was trying to see the graffiti and was simply curious, but the police department isn't so quick to believe her. They claim that Alice seemed to be trying to avoid security cameras and that she was wearing a similar black hoodie that the vandal was seen wearing.

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Now, listeners, I really do think they have the wrong person here. I mean, Alice was caught only a few hours after my show aired and could have easily been trying to see the graffiti for herself before it was taken down. Also, why would the vandal come back to the scene of the crime only like three hours after it happened?

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And come on, Alice? Do we really think she's capable of graffiti? She's the quiet girl who sits in the back of class and is scared to do presentations. This is the same girl that hangs out exclusively with Robin, the student council president, and she is such a stickler for the rules that she once ratted out Scarlett Johnson for getting lunch off campus. Does she even have the ability to sneak around town and vandalize some of the local businesses? Why would she even do that when she is literally the goodiest of goody two shoes? Personally, I think it's a stretch at best. If you want my honest opinion, I think the police are grasping at straws because they have no leads in this investigation. But I guess we will see where the police's investigation takes them. 

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Our next story involves the town's local lovable hooligans, the Merry Band of Misfits. After running a successful campaign to release Patricia the Alligator, a campaign that I might add made national news, they have set their sights on a new issue. Homework. 

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That's right, this merry band is suggesting that the Witherburn Public School System ban homework. As of right now, they have gotten their entire 8th grade class to boycott homework, and it seems that almost half the 7th graders are boycotting as well. Though, they're not stopping at a boycott. No, no, no, no. That'd be too simple. They are actually planning on bringing the entire 8th grade class to next Tuesday's school board meeting to plead their case. They are talking about this protest on their social media, which is gaining some traction, and it seems that over 100,000 people are interested in how this will turn

out.

 

I do applaud the school board for their response. Though most school boards would hate the idea of kids being politically active, the head of the school board, Mary Travis, actually made a video of support on her Facebook, and here's that soundbite. 

MARY TRAVIS:

 

I think it says a lot about the community of Witherburn that the children are willing to do this. And I think the things it says are good things. Our children are excited to make changes in the community, and they're willing to Speak Up for what they think is best for them. I think these are all amazing traits. I can only hope my children grow up with the strong drive to make a change. I know that me and my colleagues are excited to hear what the 8th grade class has to say, and we'll be sure to take their opinions into account when making our final decision. 

 

THE REPORTER:

 

I never thought I would say this, but I think it's gonna be an interesting school board meeting on Tuesday. I am almost tempted to come, but sadly, I seem to have homework. 

 

Looks like it's time for another football update! The score is currently 20 for us Turtles and 16 for the Bumblebees, so, Yay, we're in the lead! Though apparently the refs have been calling an absurd number of fouls for our team. A whole 14 in comparison to Magnolia's two. I have a list of what the fouls are. Um, fumbling, holding, roughing, peel back. Yeah, I have no idea what these words mean. Oh, it seems like halftime is about to start. 

 

[Phone ping]

 

Wait. I'm being told there's a fight on the field. Oh lord. It's Bo and someone from Magnolia. They're being pulled from the field and… Wow, okay. I don't know what happened, but I will try my best to give you an update before the end of halftime. 

 

While I wait for news to come in, I might as well tell you about this week's monster. Mr. Pickler was back at it again this week. He was spouting something a few nights ago in the Bog Monster Bar about how he used to see “river children” when he was younger. Apparently they had skin like an alligator, green and scaly, and would swim through the water as easily as a fish. He claims he would only ever see them right before someone drowned. He also said he would hear them splashing and laughing late at night in the river. Once, he got close enough that he could clearly see their face, and they had razor sharp teeth and yellow, glowing eyes. 

 

Oh, boy, this one was a deep cut. I think the monster that Mr. Pickler was talking about is the Letiche, alligator children of the swamp.

 

There are a couple of legends around these guys, but not much information in the ways of books and articles. The legend seemed to have started, as most legends do, with the indigenous people. From what I've heard, the first legend came from the Choctaw tribe of Louisiana. But many of the tribes native to the swampy area knew of this monster pre colonization.

Their legend says that the Latish are children abandoned or orphaned by their parents in the swamp, and that alligators took them in and raised them. But before you go and think that this is some jungle book type story, let me finish. These children lived with the alligators for so long that they became half human beasts with green scales and razor sharp teeth. Some legends even claim they have an alligator like tail. They lost their humanity and started to hunt humans, flipping their boats and dragging them underwater. Imagine the last thing you see is some freaky gator child trying to bite your face off. Scary. 

Anyways, when the French came to Louisiana, the story evolved to align with their Catholic roots. Instead of an abandoned child, the monster became the spirit of dead children that weren't baptized before death, forced to roam around unable to get into heaven. This version also tends to be a little nicer, since instead of flipping over your boat to eat you, the French version claims that the children are simply playing pranks and messing with you while they spend eternity in the swamps.

 

Now, while this story is undoubtedly interesting, it's also very, very easily explained. Clearly, this is just people's way of dealing with alligators, tipping over boats, and dragging people under. Like many legends, this one was probably told so kids would avoid danger. Sure, your kid might know not to mess with alligators, but this legend stops them from hopping on your boat like it's no big deal.

 

I mean, it's obvious that people just wanted to give reasoning to slightly intelligent gators and rogue currents. As for Mr. Pickler, he probably just saw some children playing by the stream. We do have a hippie group that travels by us a lot called the Rainbow People, and I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Pickler just saw some of their kids playing upstream. So I guess the takeaway from this week's legend is that humans will see things they don't understand or simply don't want to understand and claim it's a monster, even when they see it's very, very human.  As always, thank you to Mr. Pickler for sponsoring Monster of the Week.

 

Okay guys, halftime is coming to an end and I have quite a few updates on the Bo situation. He claims that he heard this one guy from the opposing team make very graphic comments about his girlfriend, Scarlett Johnson, who is a cheerleader. I am not gonna say this on air, but trust me when I say it was disgusting.

 

Bo heard this comment and apparently just saw red, which, to be fair, listeners, I can't say I would be better. Though, the player from Magnolia is claiming he said no such thing and that Stoker just jumped him out of nowhere. The Magnolia player has a couple scratches, but it seems that his cuts happened before the fight.

 

Apparently, the coaches are arguing which player, if any, should be able to play in the game. Coach McMillan seems to be defending Bo on this one, saying, and this isn't a direct quote, folks, “I don't support violence, but people's words carry weight. I can't expect my players to stand back and let disgusting things be said about their loved ones.” Which I think is completely fair. 

 

Wait, y'all, they came to an agreement, and both players will be sitting out the rest of the game, though both players will be allowed to play in future games. Wow, that was an interesting halftime, but now it's back to boring football. Don't worry, I will still update y'all if anything interesting happens.

 

Now on to our main story. Jonathan Landry has officially been labeled as missing after almost a month of not being at home. He is a 17 year old male, white and African American, last seen in his sweatpants and school sweater. According to sources, the Landry family didn't immediately report him as missing because he often leaves the house for a few days without warning.

But, after two weeks, they attempted to report it to the police. Though, it was the police that encouraged them to wait for another week and, well, now we're here. The police, of course, claimed that they did no such thing and that it was purely on the Landry family for waiting so long to report their missing child.

 

Apparently, Jonathan got in a fight with his parents and went on a walk on August 16th to blow off steam. The parents just assumed he was crashing at a friend's house, specifically, Chris Breckenridge. Though, after two weeks of not seeing their son, they realized this was probably not the case. They checked Chris's house, yet he claimed he also hadn't seen Jonathan in two weeks.

 

Sheriff Sinanger claims that this is yet another runaway, but not like the copycat runaways. No, he said that Jonathan probably ran away to California or a similar state. To quote the sheriff's statement, “Kids these days all have the big dream but not the right work ethic. They sit around and smoke all day and then they are convinced they can make it big in hollywood. They leave their parents nice and comfy house with $5 and a dream. In this case $5 a dream and a joint. Don’t worry, these types always come back.” 

 

The Landrys are claiming that the police aren't looking for their son simply because he was caught with marijuana in the past. They are claiming that he isn't just some young druggie who isn't worth the time and effort of the police force. This recording was taken outside their house. 

 

MRS. LANDRY:

 

There are three girls that have vanished and now my son is gone. You can't just ignore this. You can't just ignore him. Why aren't you putting him in the case file with the other girls? You just assume he's a lost cause! 

THE REPORTER:

 

Now listeners, I do agree that there is bias in the police department of our dear town. But, to be fair to them, there are apparently text messages that Jonathan's friends have received from a burner phone claiming to be him and claiming that he's currently hitchhiking to Colorado. I think that's pretty damning evidence if I do say so myself. 

 

Now, this doesn't mean the police department should drop Jonathan's case or anything, but I understand why they might put it on the backburner, especially with everything else going on right now, and since the state police of Colorado have been called and are currently on the lookout for him. My regards, Landry family. Best of luck bringing your son back home. If anyone has any information about Jonathan and his whereabouts, don't hesitate to report it to the police. 

 

On a lighter note, Mrs. Calloway's flower shop is having a sale. Everything at the store is 50% off. Because she's currently trying to clear out the store.

 

The Stokers have apparently bought out all the lilies. We all know how much Mrs. Stoker loves her flowers, but there are still plenty of options for the rest of us. You know how I feel about supporting small businesses, so whether it's getting flowers for your kid's recital or your anniversary, make sure to swing by the flower shop this week.

 

We started this with football, and we will end this with football. As is the American way. Even though Bo didn't get to play, our backup quarterback did, pretty dang good. He managed to lead the team to three more touchdowns, while Magnolia only scored two, which means We won! Bam! Take that, Magnolia! Go Snappin Turtles!

 

The Golder Twins are taking the team out for celebratory pizza, and anyone from school is invited to join them. Apparently, they are going to Rosemary's, which is just a solid pizza choice. Y'all, I don't enjoy football, but I do enjoy pizza, so this is goodbye from me. Have a good weekend, Witherburn. This is the Reporter.