5- Homecoming

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[Radio Static]

THE REPORTER:

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Good afternoon, Witherburn, and happy homecoming.  Well,  I mean, if you got invited,  it's okay though, because I didn't really want to go anyway. I mean, packing hormone filled high schoolers in a gym with bad music and spiked punch doesn't sound like my idea of a good time. Though, I hope the people who are going have fun. I really do. Enough about me and my non-existent social life, let's get on with our agenda! 

It's a hoco showdown this week at Witherburn High School. Who will come out on top? Later on in our program, we have the news about a particularly controversial teacher, Mr. Engler, and what he said in class. And finally, we have a very special monster of the week in honor of our mascot, the snapping turtles. All of that and more coming up on Witherburn Afterschool News. 

[Theme Music]

We have a lot to dive into this week. A lot of very dramatic stories, but we are going to start simple with a couple of hunting season reminders. Everyone and their cousin knows that hunting season is about to start and even if you don't hunt, it's important that you know these six hunting safety tips from the National Forestry Service.

Number one, if you're walking deep in the woods, don't forget to wear hunter's orange. This bright orange color can't be seen by the deer. I promise. But it can be seen by humans, and it's a great way not to get shot. Wear this color as a jacket or beanie, but make sure it's easily visible and on the upper half of your body.

Number two. Make sure you have your hunting license. You don't want to get caught by fish and wildlife without one of those. This license not only helps with keeping our forests clean and healthy, but also prevents over hunting. So, if you do not want to get fined, then make sure to get that license.

Number three. Make sure you leave your hunting schedule written down somewhere. Also, it's best to tell someone exactly where you plan to hunt and when you plan to get back. Remember, cell service doesn't always reach the deep woods, so it might not be easy for someone to call and check up on you.

Number four, don't hunt at night. Not only is it illegal for animals like deer, but it's also unsafe. You don't know who is walking around at night, so you might be putting yourself or others in danger. 

Number five, don't whistle in the woods. This one is obvious, but seriously, don't bring that attention to yourself. 

Number six, make sure to dress for the cold. That chill can get the best of us, so make sure to layer up. Especially since y'all like to hunt at sunrise and sunset.  

A birdie told me Scarlet is having a quote unquote “rager” at her river house after the homecoming dance. Everyone is invited because her driveway is long and can fit, in her words, “a shitload of cars”.

She's doing this because she expects to be winning Homecoming Queen tonight and wants to celebrate her win, which, y'all, I know it's mean, but I think it would be hilarious if she loses. I don't have any ill will towards Scarlet. I think she is a wannabe Regina George, yes, but I have nothing against her.

I just think it would be so, so funny if she makes this big deal about a victory party only for her to lose. Rumor has it that this will be an alcoholic party, but that designated drivers will have to be chosen and that no one is allowed to get behind the wheel after having a drink. Now, I don't support underage drinking, but if you are going to do it, then at least do it safely.

I support the idea of making sure no drunk drivers are on the road tonight, though given that this is a party thrown by high schoolers... Well, I guess the class group chat will tell us if they were successful in the morning.  

Speaking of underage drinking, the Bog Monster Bar asked me to make this announcement before homecoming. If you are a resident of Witherburn and you are underage, then stop trying to get into the bar with fake IDs. Especially all of the seniors. Maisy probably babysat half of y'all and definitely knows you're not 21. I mean, guys, I'm not advocating for y'all to go into bars, but if you're gonna try and drink, at least don't be dumb about it. This town is not big enough for you to be pulling this nonsense. 

Our next story is again about homecoming. Specifically, the fight for homecoming queen. I mean, it's really like Game of Thrones in our little town. Two of these girls specifically have been fighting like cats and dogs all week for the throne. So let's introduce our players, shall we? 

First up we have the reigning Queen Bee, Scarlett Johnson. Scarlett seems to be the clear winner because Frankly, she just has this air of popularity. She is a cheerleader with a quarterback boyfriend, she has 10,000 followers on TikTok, and walks like she owns the school. She is the school's icon, and everyone seems to know about her, even the middle schoolers. She has advertised and planned and fought for her position as top dog. But there's another player that's trying to steal her crown. And that player is Tina Young, captain of the tennis team and local fitness guru.

For anyone who isn't enrolled in Witherburn, let me explain the cult like following this girl has. She leads a Pilates club that meets in the morning before school that, like, 30 students attend? The school only has 250 students, mind you. And girls have openly admitted that she is their, quote, “body inspo”.

She also got half the school to start drinking these god awful kale smoothies. They taste disgusting and honestly smell bad, and the only reason people drink them is because Tina said it would give you abs, which, like, that's not how the human body works.  Anyways, Tina decided, on a whim I guess, that she wanted to run for homecoming queen last week and took a ton of votes away from Scarlet.

Though you might recall me saying that a third queen is vying for the crown. Well, vying might be a bit of a strong term. If we're going with the Game of Thrones allegory, she is like a Stark. A reluctant ruler type. Amelia came into the fray only a few days ago when one of her friends suggested that she should run for homecoming queen.

Amelia denied that she was that popular, but her friend threw her name into the running anyway. What's the harm in trying? Well, with all that petty drama between Tina and Scarlet, people started viewing Amelia as a serious candidate because she was just a nice person.  

I mean, I think the whole homecoming queen thing is a stupid and outdated popularity contest but even I have to agree with the Amelia voters. Who better to represent our school than our valedictorian known for her volunteer work and all around good person? Seriously, I've never heard anyone say anything bad about Amelia. Well, I won't be voting tonight, but good luck to all the candidates. 

Actually, the voting should be starting about now. I can see it now. Scarlet and Tina and their dramatic dresses try to fit into the voting booth.  You know, listeners,  I bought a dress for the dance, but I guess I won't get to use it.  Don't feel too bad for me. I'll just wait till prom. I'm saving money by not having to buy two dresses. Yeah… 

Anyway, I want to bring our attention to a major story happening at Witherburn High School. As many of you know, we have a female football player on our team, Hannah Golder, who, by the way, hasn't missed a single shot this season. Mr. Engler, a history teacher at Witherburn High School, decided that In the middle of his lecture on the Revolutionary War was the time to go on a rant about women in football.

Apparently, someone brought up the female soldiers that cross dress to fight in the war, which is a well documented historical fact, and Engler went off about how women shouldn't be doing men's activities. He talked about how women can't fight, and how they should, and I quote, “stick to what they're good at.”

He then moved on to men's sports, and how women shouldn't be doing things like baseball or football. Both the Golder twins were in class, but it was Kennedy who decided to speak up, saying, “My sister is in football, and she is pretty good.” Apparently, Engler dug his hole deeper, and started insulting Hannah to her face.

Here's the quote.  “Do you really think you're just as good as all the boys on your team? You can't run as fast, you're not as strong, you're not as nimble. I mean, that's just scientific fact. Women were made for different things. Gardening and taking care of the home.” Kennedy then told Mr. Engler, he better watch what he says in what seems like a threat. Then he decided to leave to the principal's office with his sister. Damn, I hate Mr. Engler. He's always pulling this kind of nonsense. Also, you might be wondering why Hannah didn't say anything, because she is usually very outspoken, but Hannah says she was simply in shock because someone was insulting her right to her face.

The twins took this complaint to the office, but sadly, they seem reluctant to do anything. The school administration is claiming he didn't say anything overtly offensive, and just,  what? Insulting the whole female gender isn't offensive? I guess the only way to get fired as a teacher nowadays is to either call a student a slur or put inclusive books in your classroom. You know, sometimes I gain a little faith in our school system and then they do things like this and I wonder why I believed in them in the first place. 

The Golder Twins didn't like the admin's answer, though, and decided to do something about it. So, until there are consequences for Mr. Engler's actions, the whole football team is wearing pink socks during their games, showing support for women in football. The crowd is encouraged to wear pink as well, and the next team we play, the Bruson Barbarians, are going to wear pink socks in camaraderie. They don't have a female player, but they do have a female coach, and they all appreciate the sentiment. I hope to see the entire stadium wearing pink in the upcoming games. If not in support of women, at least in support of shutting up Mr. Engler. Good luck to the football team, and remember guys, On Fridays, we wear pink. 

We have a very special Monster of the Week, because it's not sponsored by Mr. Pickler, or anyone, really. No, in honor of Homecoming, I decided to talk about giant snapping turtle legends. An ode to our mascot. 

The alligator snapping turtle is a large, freshwater turtle that is terrifying. But I'm sure you all knew that. They have spikes on their shells, unlike the common snapping turtle, which has a smooth shell. And, to be frank, they look like they walked right out of Jurassic Park. Now, giant snapping turtles are that weird part of folklore where there is no evidence of them, but they're still semi believable.

Like the Beast of Busco, for example. A small town claims they found a 4 foot long, 500 pound alligator snapping turtle. For a monster that can live up to 200 years and has been recorded weighing up to 300 pounds, this doesn't seem that out of the ordinary. Of course, they have no hard evidence for this creature, but the town does have a net that the monster broke out of.

Other legends along the Mississippi and in the swampy areas also tell tales of giant snapping turtles that drag children under. A couple towns over in the 1950s, a woman claimed her two year old child was splashing around in the shallows of a lake and she watched a giant snapping turtle come up and drag her baby under.

The body of the child was never found, and this caused some people to be suspicious, and they claimed the mother murdered the child. This led to a large news story for the time, and a trial was held to see if she actually committed the crime. She wasn't convicted, and claimed till her dying day that it was a turtle.

I mean, it's not that outlandish. Coach McMillan lost some of his toes to a snapping turtle as a child, and there are plenty of stories about people losing a finger, so who's to say they wouldn't drag someone under? These legends go back very far in American history, with some people even connecting them to ideas and folklore around Turtle Island. 

I think it makes sense, though. Stories like these are usually made to scare kids straight and make sure they know that alligator snapping turtles could swim up and snatch them.  Certainly would make me think twice about going into the water. I know that some people think our mascot is weak, and sure, we aren't grizzlies or anything, but I don't know of any other mascots that have bitten off the coach's toe. So let's go, turtles. And watch out for any giant snapping turtles tonight.  

[Phone pings repetitively]

Looks like the class group chat is blowing up. Guess it's time to see who won prom queen. Can I get a drumroll please?  

[Imitation drumroll]

It's Scarlett Johnson! Can't say I'm surprised. I guess this means that the victory party she planned is still on, so go have fun at that. As for me, I guess I'll just stay here in my PJs, not having to worry about who likes who, or whose best dress, or…  who the heck is at my door?  I'm sorry listeners, give me a second. 

[Footsteps walking away from the microphone and then a door opening]

BIRDIE:

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I'm sorry, I just realized you're probably still on air. 

THE REPORTER:

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Birdie, what is all this? 

BIRDIE:

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Well, I know that homecoming isn't your scene, but I figured we could at least have our own little homecoming together.  

THE REPORTER:

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But what's with the roses and chocolates? 

BIRDIE:

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Well, if I'm gonna ask you out to homecoming, I'm gonna do it right. 

THE REPORTER:

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Birdie, you didn't have to do this. 

BIRDIE:

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I know. But I wanted to. Now, go get dressed, because I made reservations at the diner. 

[Footsteps walking towards the microphone]

THE REPORTER:

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Okay, Witherburn, I'm gonna wrap this up here. Stay safe tonight, don't drink and drive, but most of all, have a happy homecoming. I'm the Reporter, signing off.