[Listen]

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[Radio Static]

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THE REPORTER: 

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Good afternoon, citizens of Witherburn!.  This show is actually airing during the annual Clean the Woods program, and I heard that they're playing it while people work. So if you're cleaning the woods today, then I want to give you a very special thank you, and I hope you enjoy today's show.

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Now, on the agenda today are a couple of fun stories, like the fact that McDonald's horses got loose, and some more serious news, like how there might be a boat thief roaming Witherburn.

All that, and more, on this episode of Witherburn Afterschool News. 

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[Theme Music]

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I'm going to start today with some local service projects. Consider this my way of making up for the fact that I can't volunteer. Anyway, the local vet clinic and shelter are teaming up for an adoption drive. It'll be happening the Sunday after Thanksgiving in the town square, and they're still looking for volunteers.

 

Even the groomer from Magnolia is coming out to help. If you adopt a pet, then you get one free grooming session from her. It's also not just cats and dogs that they have. They also have a goat. If you are interested in volunteering, run by the shelter and pick up a form. And if you or anyone else you know is thinking about adopting, then make sure to stop on by, You could give a pet their forever home.

 

Speaking of pets, let's talk about horses, specifically McDonald's horses. For those not in the know, Mr. McDonald is a horse farmer, located near one of the few residential areas in Witherburn. So, when he accidentally left the gate open today, well, let's just say some chaos ensued.

 

When the horses got out, they immediately booked it to the neighborhood to graze on people's flowers and home gardens. Now, if that wasn't bad enough, when the children of the neighborhood woke up in the morning, they saw horses in their driveway. So, of course, they immediately ran out to play with these presumably magical horses, meaning that a horde of crotch goblins was chasing around horses and trying to give them apples and one apparently tried to ride them.

 

Luckily, these horses are used to children, and trained well, so none of them got hurt. It wasn't until noon that Mr. McDonald realized his horses had gotten out, but by then they had already wreaked havoc upon the neighborhood. McDonald has apologized and offered to personally fix anyone's gardens or flowerbeds but people's main thoughts seem to be that this was simply a funny story and that Mr. McDonald shouldn't worry about it. Honestly, it does seem kind of funny that these people had to go on a wild horse chase and I'm sure everyone will laugh about it in the future.

 

Our main segment is about a thief. That's right, there seems to be a boat thief loose in Witherburn. The Clarks, Mr. Farrow, and multiple other local fishermen have reported their boats stolen or damaged.

 

Mr. Farrow has spoken about how he heard a strange rumbling outside his house at about three in the morning. He went outside and found a person messing with the console of his bait boat, seemingly trying to hotwire it. Mr. Farrow began to yell at the would-be thief, and as soon as he made his presence known, the thief disappeared into the swamp.

 

Mr. Farrow's boat only has minor damages, but other boats weren't so lucky. It seems that the thief is willing to do just about anything to break open the console, including hitting it with what looks like a baseball bat. Some of the boats have been found at some resale places, which means the thief is probably trying to make a quick buck.

 

Owners are currently in the process of reclaiming their stolen vehicles. I'll be honest and say that these resale places are a bit sketchy. I mean, they kind of have to be if they're taking, obviously, stolen boats, so some are having a difficult time getting their boats back. 

 

Though, something interesting about this story is what Mr. Farrow said to a few of his customers. Here's the audio of that.: 

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MR. FARROW:

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It's frustrating. That boat is my livelihood, and it feels like the police just don't care. I mean, I knew they were in the Clark’s pocket, but damn, they might as well have just said, I wish they stole your boat. It's been hard trying not to sell to them.Business has been better. But it's still nothing considering what the Clarks  offered. And then with all those poor kids running away, sometimes I wonder if we should just take a million and move out.

 

THE REPORTER:

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I understand his worries. Listeners, this boat thief is showing the town where priorities lie. Many of the small business owners are noticing how their concerns are second fiddle to the Clarks.

 

I mean, the Clarks had a recreational boat, and most other lost or damaged boats are from people who use them for their jobs, yet the police department made sure the Clarks boat was the first to be found. It just feels like the officers of this town should pay a little more respect to those who keep the town running. 

 

I know that at times it seems like this town couldn't live without the Clarks, but let's not forget the fishermen and farmers that keep this town alive. Without them, the Clarks would be nothing.  I just feel that we should be keeping an eye on thieves like these, not helping them. Just food for thought. 

 

Our next story is one I have been wanting to talk about all week because this is such a juicy rumor. Bo Stoker was out of school all week this week and it unsurprisingly caused a lot of talk. He didn't tell his coach he wouldn't be there, and even his girlfriend seemed a little confused as to why he wasn't at school all week.

 

It wasn't until today that his parents sent a letter to the school saying Bo got into a hunting accident. He's fine. By the way, he apparently just fell off the stand and hurt his leg. So they thought it best to keep him at home. They also claim he should be in shape for football by Monday.  This is all well and good until you realize the pieces of this puzzle aren't adding up. 

 

See, apparently Scarlet was with Bo all day, Saturday and Sunday, from sunrise to sundown. So he certainly wasn't deer hunting. Also, what type of injury keeps you out for a week, but then you can walk back in fine and dandy on Monday? But that's not the most suspicious thing. No, because people have started to realize that we are in the evolution unit this week, and the Stokers are notoriously anti-evolution.

 

For some reason, the idea of human beings gradually changing scares them. It's weird, because as far as I know, the Stokers aren't religious, but that's besides the point. The point is the Stokers faked a hunting accident just to get their child out of school.  Who does that? Just sign a slip to get him out of class. Of course, this is all speculation and there's no hard evidence, but y'all know me well enough to know I don't believe in coincidences. I guess we'll have to find out this Monday.  

 

The Mary Band is out volunteering in the woods today, and they have been giving small updates on their Twitter. Somewhat to raise awareness, and somewhat to make fun of residents.

 

It all seems to be in good jest, like making fun of Mr. Pickler's weird Swedish protein bars that were found out in the woods. And most recently, they found that Chloe Parker left her glasses out there. I mean, who forgets their glasses? How would she even find her way out of the woods? That girl is blind as a bat. Hopefully, Chloe gets her glasses back and maybe she stays out of those woods for just a bit.

 

 Moving on to the monster of the week, this week's monster is sponsored by Mr. Pickler. He apparently totaled the front of his car, I'm talking huge dent, and when the body shop person asked what happened, Mr. Pickler said he hit a cougar wolf hybrid with horns. Oh, and it was the size of a bear. I think someone needs to take away Mr. Pickler's keys.  

 

Anyway, I know this week is vague, but I actually remember this monster from my childhood. The dangerous and terrifying Ozark Howler. A bit out of our usual range, this creature is said to live in the You guessed it, Ozarks.

 

Specifically in Arkansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. The howler has a multitude of descriptions, all saying it has shaggy black fur, but some say it's a big cat, some say it's a wolf, some say it's a bear. Certain reports say it has horns, and others say it just has long, large ears. The only things the reports seem to agree on is the black fur and the blood curdling howl that it has.

 

People have described it as a combination of a cougar's scream and a hyena's laugh, which is terrifying, especially if you've heard a cougar's call. This creature is interesting, because no one seems to know the history behind it. Many local legends can be attributed to the indigenous tribes of the region, or the European settlers, but this one doesn't seem to have such a history. 

 

Who knows, maybe that lends credence to it being real. This is the most interesting part of this creature, because there are just so many possible explanations for the sightings, yet none of these theories have been proven. Some say it's just a bear with some sort of genetic mutation, others say it's a mutant wolf, and there are those who claim that it's a surviving relative of the Cenozoic Era, which is an era known for wooly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers.

 

Listeners, it doesn't seem impossible, I mean the pyramids were built when wooly mammoths were still walking, so let's just say some saber toothed tiger relative isn't wandering around the Ozarks.  I can't believe I just said that.  I have been on one too many cryptozoology forums. Next thing you know I'll be spouting nonsense at body shops. Thanks to Mr. Pickler for giving us this episode of Monster of the Week.

 

To wrap us up tonight, let's talk about the mayor. He was seen rushing out of the Fall Festival with Sheriff Sinninger. This caused a bit of a stir, since Mayor Burnham seemed worried and flustered towards the end of the festival.

 

Some are saying that the mayor was simply sick, and others are saying he had to leave due to business he needed to attend. Sure, listeners, that makes sense, but why'd he have to leave with the sheriff?  That's why I think he heard new information about the missing people's cases. It would explain why he seemed a bit nervous, because he might have received bad news.

 

It would also explain why he didn't tell anyone about it, because it might have been confidential. In all honesty, listeners,  I kind of hope it's news on the missing.  I know this town has chanted the mantra of no news is good news, and I really get the sentiment I do, but  I want to know what happened to my classmates,  my friends. 

 

I mean, it's been six months since some of these people went missing and we haven't heard a word from them.  That's scary.  And I think many people in town just want to know they're okay.  I don't think we will ever find out what Sinanger and Burnham were talking about on Halloween, though, so let's-

 

[Sound of Door Opening]

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Birdie, I'm recording.

 

BIRDIE:

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Chloe's parents just reported her as missing.

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THE REPORTER:

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No.. No.. god, she cant, she couldn't.  I mean, they just found her glasses out in the woods!

 I just: How would she even? 

 

I'm sorry, listeners. I just heard some unfortunate news.  

Good night.